Prayer...

I have used up all the humor I can to deal with the presence of my anxiety over this pregnancy. With our ultrasound and amniocentesis coming up on Tuesday, I am becoming overwhelmed by emotion. I am terrified of what they might find Tuesday during the ultrasound, and am all too familiar with how the air gets sucked out of a room and the energy changes even when nothing has been said yet, but when something is terribly wrong with your baby. You know before they tell you, and I have tried with all the will I have to not think about that moment of clarity when you know that your baby is not going to be ok. It is a very real possibility for us, and I have managed as well as I know how, but as our appointment date looms nearer I feel the fear of a future that I cannot escape if it is mine to have.
Please keep us in your prayers this week. I am not asking you to pray to change what has already been determined by genetics and the Lord, I just don't know that I'll have the strength to walk myself into that diagnostics room. I feel like I am walking into my own personal hell. Tony is out of town until Monday night, and I am feeling very scared and very alone without him here to share my feelings with. The added progesterone coursing through my body from the pregnancy is not helping things I am sure. I suppose one of the worst parts of it all is that they may not find anything on Tuesday, and then its another three weeks to obtain the amniocentesis results. In other words, things being ok on Tuesday does not mean that everything is ok.
I had a very clear image come to me about nine years ago of a little boy and girl holding hands. I knew that they were supposed to be born to me in this life. I thought that I was meant to have twins, but that never happened, and recently I have been terrified that TJ was the boy, and that this may be the girl, and they were together because neither of them had the opportunity to live here on earth, and were waiting for me together, caring for one another, until I returned to them.
The loss Tony and I felt when TJ died was so profound and the pain was to a depth that probably only another who has lost a child could fathom. The emptiness I felt was so acute that it blurred my fears and the reality of another pregnancy, and we chose to try again. Only now is the reality of our choice so clear. The possibility of having to say goodbye to another newborn baby is almost more than I can bear, my heart is so full of anxiety and fear.
I know the power of prayer, and I hope that you will keep us in yours this coming week. We love you all.

Jenn