Jenn's breakdown

So......this Sunday in Relief Society was one of those meltdowns that make you want to move and find a new ward to live in. Of course out of the 8 months that we've lived here I chose THIS SUNDAY to sit front and center in Relief Society.
The name of the lesson this week was "COME WHAT MAY........AND LOVE IT" Well, I've had this baby on my mind incessently in the last week, worried about the possibility of it having what TJ had, and the possibility of another funeral. The teacher begins her lesson and incessantly kept repeating every couple of minutes, COME WHAT MAY..... AND LOVE IT. The first time she said it it was like a punch in the face, but I thought ok, I can handle this, just suck it up Jenn. The lesson was only made that much more painful by the stories that went with it. The difficult toddler...the spilt red koolaid on the newly cleaned kitchen floor. I'm sitting there thinking....what about your baby dying? I can handle COME WHAT MAY, but really do I have to LOVE IT?
I started crying almost immediately, my friend sitting next to me gave me a box of kleenex....an empty box, so I look at the box of Kleenex, look at her, and wipe my tears with the box....she looks at me and starts laughing...which was my goal because I thought maybe if I laughed, I'd stop crying. All of a sudden five little old ladies (we have a lot of those in my ward) are shoving those little Kleenex packages in my face. So we both sit there convulsively laughing IN THE FRONT ROW... and finally the teacher says, "did I say something wrong?" I'm still crying and laughing at the same time which physically I don't understand how that is even possible, and tell her...."no, just ignore me."
So she continues on with her COME WHAT MAY...AND LOVE IT barage, and I just can't stop the tears. We FINALLY get to the end of the lesson, and I'm sitting there thinking, I'm home free, I'm almost out of here, five more minutes, and then the freakin closing hymn starts. "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord, I'll say what you want me to say." (which I'm assuming includes COME WHAT MAY...AND LOVE IT) That did it, the damn burst, and the true mortification began, there was no way to stop it then. We are at the last verse of FOUR, yes count them FOUR verses and I jump up and storm out of the room.
I assume everyone feels sorry for me, some just because they think my grief has finally drug me into insanity, and some because my family has to live with me.
Oh well....there's always next week.