March Madness

As we move into another month I continue to reflect on the events that have taken place recently for us. Joseph is weaning onto a new epilepsy medication because "we think" that the old one was dropping his white blood cell count. Well, now hopefully that won't be a problem but the side effect of this lovely medication is irritability and hostility, which we are observing in abundance. This was our child that was lost if you weren't sure to pay attention to him. Now his presence is very alive and up front in our home. We've considered not medicating at all because we feel that his monstrous medications are taking away our sweet boy.
Ian is being evaluated for his apparent inability to gain weight. He is 6 years old, and weighs in at a hefty 34lbs. We have tried every gain weight trick in the book, and yet in three years he has gained nothing. His pediatrician is ordering blood tests to determine if its an organic problem vs. a retarded mother who can fatten up Ian's little 3 year old sister to 43 lbs. but can't figure out how to make him gain weight.
We sold our home (we carry the note on it) in Stansbury Park to an acquaintence who has defaulted on the loan, and we are in the process of avoiding foreclosure, and not doing so hot with that I might add.
I took a test in Reproductive Anatomy and Physiology which covered a lifetime of information in a two week period, and only took it because I was sick of thinking about it, and passed (barely) but will still hopefully squeeze an A out of that class.
Our insurance provider decided that my midwife is "NON-Preferred" which means about $1400.00 out of pocket for the birth I want (not in a hospital). Yeah....
Am I evoking any pity yet, its what I'm going for here.
Oh, we are having an amniocentesis on the 10th of March for diagnosis or hopefully lack thereof of the baby. It will also be our first level II ultrasound. I am terrified as the reality is inescapable.
I think I'm handling things ok....considering, and know the Lord has more to do with that then I even realize.
Overall a really peaceful weekend day with the kids. Tony is at a shooting competition, and I am grateful for my many blessings and realize I have always become a better person because of my trials not despite them.

Jenn's breakdown

So......this Sunday in Relief Society was one of those meltdowns that make you want to move and find a new ward to live in. Of course out of the 8 months that we've lived here I chose THIS SUNDAY to sit front and center in Relief Society.
The name of the lesson this week was "COME WHAT MAY........AND LOVE IT" Well, I've had this baby on my mind incessently in the last week, worried about the possibility of it having what TJ had, and the possibility of another funeral. The teacher begins her lesson and incessantly kept repeating every couple of minutes, COME WHAT MAY..... AND LOVE IT. The first time she said it it was like a punch in the face, but I thought ok, I can handle this, just suck it up Jenn. The lesson was only made that much more painful by the stories that went with it. The difficult toddler...the spilt red koolaid on the newly cleaned kitchen floor. I'm sitting there thinking....what about your baby dying? I can handle COME WHAT MAY, but really do I have to LOVE IT?
I started crying almost immediately, my friend sitting next to me gave me a box of kleenex....an empty box, so I look at the box of Kleenex, look at her, and wipe my tears with the box....she looks at me and starts laughing...which was my goal because I thought maybe if I laughed, I'd stop crying. All of a sudden five little old ladies (we have a lot of those in my ward) are shoving those little Kleenex packages in my face. So we both sit there convulsively laughing IN THE FRONT ROW... and finally the teacher says, "did I say something wrong?" I'm still crying and laughing at the same time which physically I don't understand how that is even possible, and tell her...."no, just ignore me."
So she continues on with her COME WHAT MAY...AND LOVE IT barage, and I just can't stop the tears. We FINALLY get to the end of the lesson, and I'm sitting there thinking, I'm home free, I'm almost out of here, five more minutes, and then the freakin closing hymn starts. "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord, I'll say what you want me to say." (which I'm assuming includes COME WHAT MAY...AND LOVE IT) That did it, the damn burst, and the true mortification began, there was no way to stop it then. We are at the last verse of FOUR, yes count them FOUR verses and I jump up and storm out of the room.
I assume everyone feels sorry for me, some just because they think my grief has finally drug me into insanity, and some because my family has to live with me.
Oh well....there's always next week.

February Newsletter

Tony and I have had three ultrasounds so far. A lot for this early but I fell last week and as a result have a small tear and some cramping. In an effort to keep from miscarrying I have been placed on bedrest until the cramping subsides. (Notice the many updates to the blogpage) Not a whole lot to do but read, crochet, do homework, tinker with my blogpage and yell at the kids.

Mom and Dad just left for Long Beach last night, Mama Jo finally gets to go be with Dad Russ. I had a flight to see her reserved for this weekend. I was too late. I have such vivid and fond memories of Mama Jo and Dad Russ. She was so independent and strong willed, things I admired about her. Those characteristics saw her through trials, and I see those streaks of stubborness in myself (poor Tony). Sometimes I wish I was more submissive, I'm sure Tony does too, but I'm the daughter of a red head, from Texas no less, I didn't have much hope.

School is school, and I'm starting to get the hang of being a stay at home mom. I'm learning how to really get to know the kids, and enjoy my time with them. I'm starting to see how important my attitude is and how it affects the feeling in our home.I love you all, and am so grateful for my Heavenly Father, my wonderful, loving husband, and our beautiful family. I would be lost without any of them.I am grateful for good friends who love me when I don't deserve it, and take care of me, when I won't ask for help.

Happy February