Denial is wonderful isn't it? Last night seemed like a hot tubbing kind of night. DH turned the heat up on our relaxing backyard luxury, and after dinner the littles, DH and I piled in....

Ten minutes into it, I feel like I've been drugged I'm so tired, and the dizziness slams full force, and the feet burn more, and my chest hurts worse.

I finally give in and come into the house. I lay on the bed because I feel too weak to do anything else and realize my legs are tremoring. 

I feel so violated by these diseases. MS has come to my body uninvited, and violates me day after day after day. The tiny joys of life that I never thought anything about are being stripped from me. 

Pity party much? Why yes, thank you, I'll take a Olympic swimming pool size of pity for myself thank you. And, because I'm on call I can't take my full dose of Gabapentin because it's sedating. So, I get to stay up with my burning feet and chest pain all night long. I layed in bed wishing to get called in so I wouldn't be lying in bed awake all night. Being busy at a birth would distract me from all of this.

After twenty minutes or so of this I finally succumbed,  it's time to do what I like to do least in life, which, is ask for help. DH, will you rub my feet? Rubbing them doesn't actually do anything that changes the burning or aching, but it distracts from the burning and aching. So, he rubbed my feet for about 15 minutes. Then, I called my littles in and asked them if they would rub my feet, and they did, and rubbed lotion on them, and put socks on them. They filled up my water bottle, and just loved their mama who is feeling like a failure, and impotent.

How have I been SO blessed?