Bloody Hell!!

It's probably my favorite thing that Ron Weasley says in Harry Potter films. He says it repeatedly, and with such passion!

I just re-read my last two posts and wow, what DOWNERS!!!

My life really is not as dismal as the portrait of it would have you believe. I love my job, I mean, I get to deliver babies. I love my new friends in my new town. I love my family, and my kids are so great.

I'm a little obsessed with my health right now. I ignored symptoms for years, and now I think about it.....a lot.

So, had vein procedure done on Friday morning. Yeah, that hurt, surprisingly, since they told me it was no big deal and wouldn't hurt in the least. Lots of bruising, which surprised my doctor. Hello! you poked me like a pin cushion, what did you expect?! And then, there are the oh so attractive compression stockings which take an act of GOD to get over my ankle and up my thigh. They also cause this nice indentation where they cut off the circulation at the top, and cause a really attractive butt flap. No really, you should invest. Maybe I need to consider doing more squats? I may, or may not have screamed some profanities at them, and told them if they told me "last poke" one more time I would punch one of them in the face. Then, there's the 4x4in. numb square where they punctured my leg to place the cautery wire. They promise it will go away.....eventually.

My new dose of Gabapentin has decreased the burning in my feet...YAY! Unfortunately, I grew a new symptom this week, now I get goosebumps in patches on my skin in random places all over, and  more so when I'm working out. So it's this paradoxical sensation of feeling goosebumps spring up when you are pouring sweat from an intense work-out.

I decided to research my interesting new sensation, and it crops up from the autonomic nervous system. Basically, the gist of it is there are probably lesions in my spine. I can make it happen too. Tonight I ran three fingers up my legs, and a trail of gooseflesh followed them like ducklings following mother duck. SO WEIRD, and kinda cool, in a mad scientist, guinea pig kind of way.

I should really consider sleep

Jenn

Denial is wonderful isn't it? Last night seemed like a hot tubbing kind of night. DH turned the heat up on our relaxing backyard luxury, and after dinner the littles, DH and I piled in....

Ten minutes into it, I feel like I've been drugged I'm so tired, and the dizziness slams full force, and the feet burn more, and my chest hurts worse.

I finally give in and come into the house. I lay on the bed because I feel too weak to do anything else and realize my legs are tremoring. 

I feel so violated by these diseases. MS has come to my body uninvited, and violates me day after day after day. The tiny joys of life that I never thought anything about are being stripped from me. 

Pity party much? Why yes, thank you, I'll take a Olympic swimming pool size of pity for myself thank you. And, because I'm on call I can't take my full dose of Gabapentin because it's sedating. So, I get to stay up with my burning feet and chest pain all night long. I layed in bed wishing to get called in so I wouldn't be lying in bed awake all night. Being busy at a birth would distract me from all of this.

After twenty minutes or so of this I finally succumbed,  it's time to do what I like to do least in life, which, is ask for help. DH, will you rub my feet? Rubbing them doesn't actually do anything that changes the burning or aching, but it distracts from the burning and aching. So, he rubbed my feet for about 15 minutes. Then, I called my littles in and asked them if they would rub my feet, and they did, and rubbed lotion on them, and put socks on them. They filled up my water bottle, and just loved their mama who is feeling like a failure, and impotent.

How have I been SO blessed?